I remember the last day before I left to go to the airport. I had wanted to leave the Ukraine for such a long time and as long ago as I can remember I wanted to leave to live in England. I was 33 now and on the brink of living my dream. I never realised how sad this would make me feel. How can you be sad when you get to live your dream? But I was sad. My mother was sad too but she tried to put a brave face on it. Thirty years ago she too had dreamed of leaving Mariupol in the Ukraine. She had dreamed this dream with no hope of ever being able to make it real. Neither she nor I could have imagined that one day free travel would be a reality. It is now a reality, too late for my mum, but for me, at 33 at the prime of my life it is a shining reality. It had been possible for many years but it wasn’t until now that it was about to become a reality for me.
The atmosphere at home before Eryk Kopitzke arrived to take me to the airport was unbearable. Eryk was my best friend from school. He too had once shared my dream but he had settled for life in Mariupol. I envied him his ability to let the dream go. I thought of this on the morning of my departure. I could never have imagined all my sadness and my apprehension. I was about to leave for England and all the old familiar things of home seemed more sweet and precious than they had ever been before. If Mariupol was to be my home for the rest of my days I guess all would seem bleak and dull here today.
I had met John on the Internet and had arranged to go for a holiday only. He had offered to pay and I was too poor to be proud. In my mind I was going to go for good but today I was uncertain. Eryk said my apprehension was only natural and that everything was going to be fine. I loved Eryk for his optimism. He was a taxi driver in Mariupol and was doing all right, as he used to often say in his best English accent and he meant it.
I looked around my living room as everyone talked and joked. They were all here to see me off. I had cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins, grandparents, school-friends, all here to see me off. The decor, which had bothered me especially when I saw photos of John’s home, seemed homely and warm again. It was nearing 11am when Eryk said tapping his fake rolex wristwatch, said, ‘We have to go soon.’
John was a nice man. He was divorced with a teenager and he ran his own business. I suppose that’s how he could afford to pay for my flights. He sent me my ticket, return of course, and I had a month to see if I could make my way in England. He never asked for any commitments from me and that made me feel a lot easier about everything. Eryk told me to be careful and as he dropped me off at the airport he stuffed an envelope into my inside pocket and hugged me like the great big teddy bear he is. “If it doesn’t work out you leave.” This made me a little apprehensive. He got a call over his radio for an airport journey as soon as we arrived. I wanted him to stay. To see me off. He was my last link to home. Home, I repeated this word in my mother tongue. It rolled around in my mind like a spell.
John was to pick me up at Heathrow and his home was an hour away by car. I sat in the departure lounge looking at the minutes tick by. I was very early. I had to be, the ticket cost over 20 000 grivna [£1750] people at home said he must be rich! It would take me a year to earn this amount of money. Good luck with the ‘English Count,’ said my grandma pinching my cheeks with her rough hard working hands. She still worked the fields at 80! I found myself feeling my cheeks. Was I doing the right thing? I opened the letter from Eryk, it took my breath away, there was at least 5 000 grivna! Oh, I don’t deserve to have such a friend.
I heard the boarding order and was told to go to gate 7. It had been an hour since Eryk had dropped me off and in that hour I had relived all my childhood memories with him. I had lived them over and over. Some were sad but all were so sweet to me now. Why does life have to be so hard I thought. I pulled myself together and steeled myself for the journey ahead. But as I did I remembered my first kiss it was with Emilian, all the girls loved Emilian. He was so gentle. It landed on my cheek and he said nothing but we both felt special. I felt my cheek I felt it and pinched myself. I had to be strong. I shuffled my huge case forward in the long line of passengers. I looked at the queue ahead of me then behind, I was the only one who was alone. I wished Eryk were here to say goodbye. I wished I was going to be missed more than anything, but I had spent so much of my time despising Mariupol that I feared I would be forgotten but never by Eryk.
I was next in the queue. My heart was pounding. I looked at myself in the mirrored glass. I was slim and athletic but felt self conscious, I looked plain and ordinary in my dark suite with my jet black hair tied in a bob which was the Mariupol style. I felt awkward.
As we taxied along the runway I was sad beyond compare and happy beyond my wildest imagining. I shed tears of joy and happiness and fear and excitement. I had to close my eyes but the tears just poured out of me. I held my tissue to my eyes and held it there to make the world less real, more dark and less harsh. The runway was not good and the shuddering of the wheels made me feel a little nervous. The engines roared and I prepared myself. I had never flown before but I had read about it and knew what would happen next. We speeded up and with eyes tight shut I felt the moment we became airborne and then seemed to climb almost vertically. I was now no longer a citizen of Mariupol nor of England I was stateless, homeless, adrift before I had to become a citizen of the earth again in the far off land of England. In the mystical land between Mariupol and England, I became confident and truly happy.
John was very understanding when I told him why I couldn’t stay. Eryk was surprised to receive my request for a taxi, four weeks early! [I returned the next day] He was especially surprised when I paid him 5 000 grivan for the 20 minute ride home!
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